Adventure Mobile Star Gazer
For the past week and a half I have chosen to live out of my car. Not because I have to be, but because of my desire to be more undefended by the security of a family members home or friends welcoming arms. Two years were spent like that and it wore on my mind and relationships. As stated previously : I told myself that I wouldn't put myself in that situation before getting on the plane out here. Inside my head a conclusion has arrived that it's not only important to keep your word to other people, but to yourself. If you say you're going to do something, do it. There are times of compromises, but don't compromise to the point it injures yourself.
Family are close by and there's a spare room for me to stay, but it's just too comfortable. To easy to get set in old ways of stagnation. Like in high school where I would procrastinate, the pressure helped force my focus to a beam and inscribe the deeds to be complete. Something tells me that the pressure will help accomplish more of my goals, take on new journeys and say that I was able to do it. Humbleness is accepting help, humbleness knows when to turn out of the easy path. Because the path of least resistance isn't always the correct path.
My mindset isn't prideful to say that I don't need anyone. A lot of people have helped me and continue to help me. My mindset is to learn and grow into more of what I want to be. To expand the my mind and experience of this life by not having four walls constantly around me in this season of time. Funneling creativity through the restricting life. No television, no refrigerator, no distractions. Mistakes are made in everyones life and I know I've made mine. But it's through the mistakes that we learn and are able to make the difference in our individual lives.
Every night I've gone to bed at peace and woken up at peace. Opposite of how I've gone to bed while staying in peoples houses. Is it wrong to want to live on your own?
-ArrowAhead
Are we really sinkin' this low?
The blues is a phenomenal scope to look through. To see through paranormal vision, my my, my mind has been covered. The slow significant intrusion, a thick grease that cakes onto my neurotransmitters causing the world to slow down to a dragging nag. Everything fades and the smooth blow of wind enters the room I'm staying in. Like the steps taken down to a warm basement with only a chair and blanket to settle down into I have found an un-comforting comfort here. I have found myself in the blank minded stare. Worrisome shakes and the placement of my fingers on a wet sanded guitar neck. it's not that I am hopeless, because that would describe me as faithless... it's just that the world has a sweet way of slipping me into a sickening carelessness. The doors of perception widen from the narrow road and my eyes witness all the things missing. The Lord has lifted me out of such darkness before and I believe he will do it again. It's just one brick being laid down on this road at a time, a double shot of mortar to keep me grounded in him. Because there's a twister circling round and round, the smooth blow of wind and turned into a tempest and everything inside me is turned into a stye. Demolished with the blink of an eye.
The golden light shines all around, there's so much blessing pouring down for me to be like this. To live like this. But it's there and I'm malcontent. I want to walk into the unseen and shoot down the burning door to rescue myself, but I can't. It's not my duty and I am not my own savior. So I'll sit patiently and enjoy the wonder and majesty. His words written in to carry on.
In all the drops of blood upon the black tile flooring I'm still breathing, I am still living. I truly believe because of the bread of life, not the bread of this world I have kept moving forward. Because if I am sinking as low as I have seen myself go before. It will take a miracle and time to crawl out.
The times of pain, stretching and bleeding are where you get to know someone the best. To know their reactions, their words linger in the back of your head like a record that quietly plays in the empty room next door. You know your significant other as yourself when the two are brought into times of reliance not only on each other, but the creator. You know God not by the things that he gives you, but the ways that he has saved you. The ways that he reaches out and grabs your hand as the flesh of your finger tips is being scraped away by the mountains edge you are clinging to. I am clinging to what I know, what has pulled me out from the burning furnace in the past. Circumstance has not caused this, because my circumstances are what most would kill for. Living in Hawaii, experiencing new days of reconciliation with God and his creation. A wonderful companion to take life on with, who uplifts my spirits when my mind is racing and soul wants to decline into the pit. This chapter of life is quite unknown, but it's one of the greatest chapters I've lived. Endless adventures and living love.
It's not that I am sinking, or drowning, it's that limits are being pushed and the G-forces are pressing down in such a manner that sometimes the black comes into attack.
This time we defy gravity and fly.
Onward and upward to new horizons...
"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved."
-Psalms 55:22
- ArrowAhead
Kona Side : Week One
As of today it's been nearly a week and a half of being in Hawaii since leaving the mainland on the 11th of August. Everyday has been a challenge, for the good and for the bad. My original plan for coming out here was to be self sufficient immediately. Unfortunately some unexpected financial circumstances came into play and my ability to move into my own place has been put on hold temporarily. So, as it goes I have immediately began looking for work. From coffee shops to painting, there are great opportunities here on the Island. You just have to know what to look for and hope for the best. My mindset has been in a place of somewhat discouragement and doubt. Mostly due to my depression and other circumstances at hand. Annika and I have been having a great time overall adventuring exploring the island in the little time that we have had together. Currently I am based in Kona and she is stationed in Hilo attending the University for Agriculture and Farm explorations. During my time alone, my mind has been going nonstop, a constant battle between what I know and believe is true and what is false and lies. My contentment has been lacking greatly, every situation I am in is not ideal for my flesh. I want to be on my own, I want my vehicle to be here already, I want to work, I want. Want. Want. Yet no ground is taken. Patience is a virtue that is rare, and I know I have bountiful amounts. But doubt can override and leave me desiring more than this world can offer. Where are my gifts and talents being used? Sometimes it seems as if I am an MVP on an awesome team that's been benched. Constantly teased by the presence of a lush green field with open grounds. After years of traveling, staying with other people and not always being able to stand on my own two feet and even buy groceries, I have had enough...
Before getting on the plane to come out here I told myself that I wouldn't stay with anyone, not even my mom for more than a week. If it means sleeping on the beach until my car gets out here I'll do it. Having been homeless in Hawaii before, there's no fear or care about being able to survive. There are showers everywhere and my vehicle is large enough to comfortably stay in until I can snatch up my own place. God has always provided and will continue to do so. But even if he doesn't Glory be to Him.
Work doors are opening and I'm glad for it. Sometimes it takes a fire of anger and suppression to really get me moving again. Like an old train that runs on coal and steam. Without that fire there's no moving forward. "Anger is more useful than depression."
Most of my anger is with myself, decisions I've made, actions that have been taken and some that have not. But it's time to set some of that aside and allow it to fade into the sea. Because Gods doing something amazingly new here, something that I'm not totally aware of. Something that could blow open new horizons to the life that I've been hoping for for so long.
I've stopped into the church that I was apart of so long ago (Two Years) and it felt like home. A lot of the people I knew and served with have gone elsewhere, but quite a few have stayed. I am curious to see if I end up serving there again on the worship team and other projects they have going on. Or if I'll be placed in a new operation. Schooling is something that I have been contemplating for some time now. There have been several attempts to go back, both in Arizona and Utah. The doors just wouldn't stay open. Hawaii may be a great place to go to school. In time, we all shall see.
Biking around Kona has been awesome, it's great exercise and definitely helps me clear my thoughts of negativity. Especially going into town on the highway where I am keeping up with 45 mph traffic. There's so much freedom here that had been forgotten. The peace that comes with the lifestyle of slowing down and letting go. Maybe in the rush of things the past two years, my mentality has changed. My heart misses the calm easy going - care free person. One of my major goals for Hawaii this time around is to accomplish many of the things that I set out to do before, but didn't. Already I have taken the reigns and checked a few of those tasks off my list. Onward and forward.
- Arrow Ahead